Ahhh Ahhhh LEAVE IT

I.
Am.
On a ROLL tonight.

Ok. So. For the past several months I've been having issues with work. See, on the surface, my job is EXACTLY the job I want... except the pay sucks... and there's a lot of bullshit to contend with.

But, the hours are flexible--I can take time off mid-morning to go to the gym--and I don't have to commute 52 miles a day to do it.

But, as flexible as the job is, for the longest time I found myself working really long hours and neglecting everything else.

And, the thing is, this job is NOT what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I'm a writer. I write fiction. I write blog entries. I write articles, in a pinch. My dream is to publish and get paid to write my fiction and my opinion pieces... I can take or leave the articles.

Honestly, I'm not a fan of journalism. I like making shit up or, at the very least, pulling it out of my ass. I like fancy, extrapolation and hyperbole.

Facts are for suckas.

But I digress.

I was spending all my time doing this mindless data entry job and NONE of it on my writing--MY writing--or exercise, or eating right, or anything but this job.

I would sit for hours trying just to meet my minimum daily goal. And I always told myself that I would write a few paragraphs (or start this blog) when I finished my work for the day.

I never finished my work for the day.

The harder I tried to make it work, the worse it got. The server would go down, the workload would slow. I'd try to write some articles and be stricken with an apathy so deep it made me nauseous.

So, I'd panic. And try harder. Get up earlier in the morning, stay up later at night, try to work through the hinky, jerky server issues. All the while getting more upset, more panicked, more desperate.

So I decided to stop trying.

****

There are two ways to stop trying: you stop doing or you stop caring.

The not doing is the "bad" way to stop trying. It's the writer who stops writing, or stops submitting his work. It's the student who stops studying or drops out. It's the performer who stops auditioning. It's the unemployed person who stops sending out resumes or going to interviews.

You get the gist.

I have to say that I was tempted to take this route.

Hell, I was working my ass off and getting nowhere, so why bother?

But then I remembered there was another way.

Not caring.

I'm not talking about apathy--that goes back to not doing. I'm talking about not caring about the result. Not getting attached to what happens. Doing without focusing on a specific goal.

It's exercising because it feels good, not to lose weight. It's writing to tell your story, whether or not it gets published. It's working to get something done, not to meet a specific monetary goal.

I stopped my 12-hr days, for the most part. I have to admit, this process is still new and I still have my moments. But, I stopped. I set a schedule, and I set it around things that nurture me, like making meals and working out.

I found that I didn't make any LESS money and, sometimes, I made more. I was still short so I let my FB friends know I was looking for more work. I didn't care if I got anything or not, I put it out there to put it out there -- I ended up with several leads, one of which resulted in an interview.

I stopped freaking out over eventualities. If it hasn't happened yet, I make a note of it and move on to the right-now stuff.

I let, the fuck, go.

Sometimes you have to do that. The things we want are like mercury. You can't hold mercury with an iron grip.

I think back to another story about a zen master and his student. The master sent his student to town to get cooking oil. He told the student that it was really important because they really needed that oil.

The student got the oil and, on the way home, he walked slower than usual. He took note of every obstacle in the road and held the bowl rigidly.

He also fell several times and spilled every drop of oil in the bowl.

The master sent him back and told him, "this time, do what you always do.

He walked the path normally and made it back to the monastery with a full bowl of oil.

He just let, the fuck, go.

Sometimes, when you want something so badly and try so hard, you just make it worse.

To quote Yoda: There is no try, only do.

Sometimes, you just gotta leave it.